Berlin Graphic Days Nr. 8, July 2016

Daria and I had a table at the Summer Session of Berlin Graphic Days.Berlin Graphic Days Suzanne Forbes July 1 2016

Patrons Berlin Graphic Days July 1 2016 by Suzanne ForbesWe chose to be there only for the Night Market on Friday from 6pm to 2am, which was the right choice given my health challenges and Daria having a full-time art job.

However, there was definitely not as much action Friday night as there is during the Saturday session, and we missed some amazing fellow artists who didn’t make the Friday event. We both sold a few things (Daria’s cool F*ck u I’m Evil bags sold out instantly) and met some lovely people, and friends came to see us. You can see the delightful scene here– be warned the link takes you to Facebook 😛

 

I made some drawings of people with fabulous hair.

Suzanne Forbes July 1 2016 Berlin Graphic Days

It was the first time I’d tabled at an event in quite a few years, maybe since 2009, and in between I’ve had some ridic-ass health issues that mean my energy level seems to be permanently much lower. I’m a spoonie, at least for now, and just can’t do all the things I’d like to.

Suzanne Forbes July 1 2016 Berlin Graphic Days

 

Still, at the end of the night Daria and I were whipping out portraits for people, and it was heavenly.

And I got to visit Urban Spree at last. And it is amazing, a crazy fuck-you honey badger of a venue where artists rule and the feasting and drinking goes til dawn.

Fast sketching Tiepolo-style!

aklamio 5 year anniversary party berlin by Suzanne Forbes June 17 2016Here’s a sketch from the five-year anniversary party of the wonderful company my husband works for.

sketch with midtone Suzanne Forbes July 17 2016This is how I did it- first pencil sketch for structure and gesture, then a 50% grey pen to spot in midtones, then fine line outline, then brush pen strokes for the heavy line weight on the undersides of things and solid blacks.detail pg 27 Advertising Layout Techniques by Harry Borgman 1983

This approach is a callback to the old-school commercial illustrators’ pen and marker techniques I learned from books in the 80s.  Scan to the right: detail of pg. 27 from “Advertising Layout Techniques” by Harry Borgman, pub. 1983.

I loved this style of rendering because it was about drawing– it was didactic as hell, a formatted iconography for storytelling through pictures. The audience had been taught to read the visual language of illustration and comics over decades. They had an encoded understanding of what kind of mark-making represented what textile, what line weight meant highlights.

I have a whole collection of books in my art library that offer instruction in now-obsolete techniques like Prismacolor and Chartpak markers and beloved, vanished Zip-A-Tone. The earliest layers of my library reveal just how little I ever intended to be a fine artist- I just wanted to be a working stiff journeyman illustrator.

Detail pg 18 from New York The Big City by Will Eisner 1986

Detail pg 18 from New York The Big City by Will Eisner 1986

Comps Storyboards and Animatics by james Fogle and Mary E Forsell 1989

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The grey-scale rendering methods of the great 20th Century advertising artists were already disappearing from the curriculum of art schools in 1989, when I left New York. They stayed alive in comics for a few years longer, because of the specific exigencies of comic printing before direct digital and the Black-and-White Boom.

By the time I was sober and enrolled in the Minneapolis College of Art & Design, in 1990, the career emphasis had shifted to digital graphic production. There were computer labs and programs like Illustrator and Photoshop and the illustration program at MCAD was skeletal. Teaching drawing for commercial art was over.

Tiepolo_angelLucky for me, I was able to become a painter. I pivoted to FIne Art in the MCAD curriculum just to get enough teaching in things I cared about, but there were many hidden benefits to leaving the commercial illustration track, and I had some fine teachers.

Tiepolo Meeting of Antony and Cleopatra

Tiepolo Meeting of Antony and Cleopatra

One of my painting teachers at MCAD told me my preparatory sketch for a painting reminded him of Tiepolo‘s ink wash drawings. He showed me what he meant and I was amazed at how modern an eighteenth-century drawing could look.

Of course, we don’t know how Tiepolo produced these works- he might have done the pencil sketch and line-work first, then added the midtone wash. Either way, the grey-scale (or sepia-scale!) is a thing of beauty.

tiepolo_satyr

 

I hope to do some ink-wash drawings utilising grey scale values later this summer, as well as some chalk drawings on grey paper. I’ve been thinking about how Sargent said if you get the midtones right, everything else falls into place. I’ve never been a midtone person; I’ve always focused on line quality and hard black and white values. But people change 🙂

 

 

Drink+Draw Drawings

Suzanne Forbes drawing from Drink and Draw Berlin June 25 2016I made quite a few drawings at the last Drink+Draw Berlin.

Dothraki cosplay drawing Suzanne Forbes June 25 2016 (Maybe my lack of drinking helps!) However, it’s taking me a while to clean them up and scan them. I don’t always touch the drawings from an event afterwards; in fact mostly I just scan and post them.

In this case, I chose probably the darkest spot in the otherwise nicely lit room to draw in, so I wanted to touch up some lines.

Plus, many of the costumes were highly detailed, like the bellydancers’ outfits and this dude who was cosplaying a Dothraki.

So I took the time to finish off more costumes and the fabulous 1001 Nights-themed set that I’d only sketched in.

There’s one more batch, which hopefully I’ll get to soon.

So grateful to the Drink+Draw crew and main model Miss Cat D’Vine, and all the volunteer models, the musicians, djs and the incredible artists I was thrilled to be working in the same room with.Suzanne Forbes June 25 2016 Berlin

 

Horribella Mark IV: an unpleasant Victorianish doll-thing!

Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016 Look at this horrible thing I made!

I am blowing through projects that have been waiting over a year, now that my workshop is finished. It’s so easy and comfortable to use and access all my tools and materials, and the light is so good in our kitchen. I’m especially thrilled to have finished my own Horribella doll at last!

Horribella Mark 1 by Suzanne Forbes coll. Ramon

The first Horribella was made as a host gift for a fae-themed party thrown by one of my beloved friend-muse-patrons. Her wings were hand-decorated with many crystals.

I particularly like the way the corset of this one came out.

The second was bought by one of my beloved friend-muse-patrons and lives in her SOMA loft.Horribella Mark 2 by Suzanne Forbes coll. Eva

Horribella Mark 3 by Suzanne Forbes coll. AimeeAnd the third was traded to my friend Aimee Baldwin, for one of her extraordinary vegan taxidermy creations ( a mantis of course!).

I was really devastated to give up the third one, since it was so specially unpleasant, but I wanted that mantis badly.

Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016 So I saved the other half of the iridescent flower at the top of the corset (originally scavenged from the wings of some drugstore fairy doll that became a mermaid in a shadowbox at least a decade ago).Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016

Then I saved the particular trims I used, and enough of the superfine damson-colored leather strips I ordered from a purse company in LA, and a tiny bit of the pleated burgundy lace, and just enough of the bug-printed emerald green French wired ribbon.

 

 

I sculpted a new body and head and painted them, but there was a reaction between the paint and primer.

Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016 trainSpray painting plastic, no matter how much time you spend on The Fwoosh, is unpredictable. So I had to scrape off the paint and reprime the pieces, and then pack them, because it was time to move to Berlin.Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016

I was terrified that off-gassing primer/paint reaction could start a fire, so I waited to pack them ’til the very last day, and wound up throwing the pieces in a little box within one of the randomly packed boxes of the morning we left. Even though this project was incredibly important to me! And the materials to dress her were packed separately of course.

I am a crazy person, and sadly not always in a fun way.

Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016

(Yes, I started packing one year before we left, and I was still packing the DAY we left. Probably I shouldn’t have spent so many nights obsessively organizing my mixed media materials before we left. But it did make unpacking them an utter delight.)

Horribella Mark 4 by Suzanne Forbes July 2016

 

 

 

 

So it was all horribly stressful! And I was still afraid that my Frankenstein mix of paints and solvents would start a fire and burn up our storage unit or shipping container!

But there was no fire, and the ship didn’t sink, and the train didn’t crash, and the truck didn’t go into a snowbank, and the box didn’t get dropped, and nothing got lost, and so I was able to assemble a Horribella of my own at last. She is not for sale!

As always when I make a doll, I am deeply indebted to my beloved friend-muse-Patron Monique Motil, creator of Sartorial Creatures and the most inspiring dollmaker I know.

 

June Bricolage Roundup- Crafts, crowns, and action figure customizing.

Bricolage projects by Suzanne Forbes June 2016Here are some of the things I worked on this month.

hand beaded flies Suzanne Forbes 2016First, I finished the second Uplift Fly.

I gave this one ombré wings and I could not be more pleased with how it came out. It is some hella jolie laide hanging in our hallway. hand beaded ombre wing fly Suzanne Forbes 2016

 

 

 

That bit of nonsense out of the way, I moved on to more nonsense. Note D’s childhood friend Dailee below- everyone visits Berlin!

I made Leaf Crowns!crystal leaf crown by Suzanne Forbes 2016

crown with ribbonsI got the materials to make these a couple of years ago. I don’t know why I wanted to make leaf crowns crystal_leaf_crownso much.

I guess I figure people can wear them when we finally have a Summer Solstice dinner party that uses all my leaf majolica, like maybe next year.leaf crowns by Suzanne Forbes 2016

The crystal leaf crown is made of floral-wired plastic leaf beads and opalescent and iridescent Czech beads, padded with the last of my vintage green velvet from Aimee’s grandma’s garage fabric hoard.

Action figures come in a variety of scales, from 3.75″ to 8″.

action figure customizationThe classic Star Wars figures, for example, are 3.75″. Lots of really nice figures are in the 5″ and 7″ scale, which is EXTREMELY frustrating for me. Sometimes they finally make a character I’ve wanted a figure of for years- but it’s just not quite in scale with my dollhouse.

However, a creative solution can often be found, using action figure customizing techniques.

doll hospitalThe amazing Sin City figure of Rosario Dawson was part of a set given to me as a gift by my friend Devon. I love Rosario Dawson, so I really wanted to get her into my dollhouse.

Using my mini-hacksaw, I reduced her height in the two spots that usually work best, neck and ankles. Then I sculpted new soles for her shoes to balance her and on-trend spat-style half-boots to reinforce the cut-down ankles. Now she can join the party!

The 5″ scale T-800 figure was a gift from a beloved friend-muse-patron. I could have bought a McFarlane or Movie Maniacs endoskeleton and scaled it down, but this one is special ’cause it’s from a loved one. So I extended the torso, knees, ankles and hip joints. I also lengthened the calcaneus bones to make the feet more stable and in scale. In the picture you can see how the rebuilt hip joint is drilled out for the new pegs.

alice repairThe Alice figure from the ’00s movie was beautiful, but I didn’t like the way she was posed. Her arms folded behind her back looked disempowered to me.alicebox

So I removed them and reposed them. In this picture you can see I’m building up the new sleeves in layers.

I like to use thin layers to do fine detail in epoxy clay. Then I just had to paint the sleeves and she was done!

bug hipThe motion-sensitive talking giant terror grasshopper is from Bug’s Life, a Pixar movie made just for me ENTIRELY ABOUT INSECTS that came out in the late ’90s. It didn’t prove as enduringly popular as movies about toys or animals, for some reason.

The thin plastic mounting of the screw that attaches its right leg had broken, so I repaired it by packing the hollow hip joint with epoxy clay and resetting the screw in that. When my husband saw it on the worktable he said, “WHAT the hell is THAT?!” In my perfect world, everything I own, touch or build would inspire that reaction.

Frame for Daria’s moth drawing!

moth by Daria Rhein frame by Suzanne Forbes June 2016As I mentioned in the art collab post, I traded Daria an embroidery moth for the original of this beautiful scary drawing. I wanted to make a frame that really honored how much I love the drawing. I used a 69-cent clip frame for the glass; I cut channels out of some strip wood (using my dollhouse trim miter cutter) and hot-glued them to the back of the laser cut frame.

frame in progress

 

 

 

 

Then (after spray-painting the frame with Dupli-Color Platinum) I placed the artwork over the glass, put a piece of heavy watercolor paper behind it to protect it from any acidity or anarchival agents in the backing board, and clipped the frame back together. The frame fit neatly in the channels and I could hot-glue it in place without any danger of touching the artwork.

BTW, Dupli-Color Platinum Spray-paint is my new boyfriend. It is SICK.moth by Daria Rhein frame by Suzanne Forbes June 2016

I hate weakness and entropy, and I was concerned about the structural strength of the delicate top piece, so I added a reinforcing channel of picture wire. I also used both hot glue and UHU universal glue, so that there’s a backup if one fails.

Then it was time to decorate! I’d had the Art Nouveau woman’s face since I was fourteen or fifteen, knocking around in little boxes on my dresser. I love hand-applying Swarovski crystals, like the jet ones here. It’s the most bang for your meticulous-obsessive handwork buck ever.

Lamp conversion!

lamp in salonI got this lampshade at the Anthropologie in Kansas City in like 2002. I was there with my second husband for a daguerreotype event. I carried it home on the plane, pretending it was my hat. Of course I enhanced it with lots of bead trim.Anu and Stephan Suzanne Forbes 2005

It appears in so many of my paintings; I couldn’t bear to leave it behind. But European lamps not only have different plugs and (sometimes) bulb fixtures, they have a different way of attaching lampshades.

lamp topUS lampshades use a finial and harp system attached to the lamp base, whereas here the lamps have a bracket that attaches to the bulb housing. So I bought a European floor lamp with shade, stripped the fabric and wire hoops off the shade, bent the bracket to size and attached the lampshade to it using ribbon scaffolding and lots of hot glue. I spraypainted the lamp base itself Sapphire Blue with Duplicolor.lamp bracket

I had saved a tutorial on how to do this conversion on my “Moving to Berlin” pinboard before we ever left, but of course when it came to it I never referred to it, I just figured out a way to do it.

My first husband once saw me constructing a sphere for a topiary out of styrofoam rings and scraps. He asked why I didn’t figure out how to do it with math rather than eyeballing everything and sort of jamming it together til it worked. I said, because then I would have to stop and do something that wasn’t actually doing it before I could do it. I’m like a shark in so many ways.

Remember this guy?

goat foot candleholder WIP Suzanne Forbes 2016I find sculpting the hairy fur tufts of the goat’s ankle for this goat-foot candleholder to be very tedious, so I’ve been working on it very slowly, whenever I have a bit of usable epoxy clay left over from some other project.

At this rate it should be ready for painting and gold-leafing around 2018.

Black and white bug shadowboxes!

newsprint moth shadowbox Suzanne Forbes 2016I sculpted these moths out of cold porcelain and collaged them with newsprint. I made a small edition of them as gifts for my Patrons, with a few extra for this project.

black white jewelled moth shadowboxes Suzanne Forbes 2016Both these boxes are lined with leftover fabric from my wedding dress. Monique Motil, the amazing artist who made my dress and accepts only the most creative costume commissions, is always thoughtful about returning every unused scrap.

The black and white bug brooch box is the sibling of the ones in the salon- it is the only one not made to coordinate with the salon color palette.black and white bug shadowboxes by Suzanne Forbes 2016

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think that’s it for this month, other than some random framing and hanging projects.

Update: I forgot this bug-covered lampshade. You can see it in its undecorated state on last month’s bricolage roundup.bug lampshade SUzanne Forbes 2016
bug lampshade SUzanne Forbes 2016 2

Surprise Jasmine/Wonder Woman mashup!

This is the first sneak preview from the incredible Berlin Drink + Draw event Daria, Ian and I went to last night.Wonder Woman Jasmine mashup Suzanne Forbes June 25 2016

I did not mean for it to come out as a mashup, it was dark and I am very new to using watercolors and there were gold paper stars on a burgundy drape….but it is a delightful accident and now I am wondering if anyone has ever cosplayed it!

The model is burlesque dancer Miss Cat D’Vine. More gorgeous drawings of her coming soon. Thanks to the Drink + Draw crew for an amazing, wonderful event!

Drawing Jonathan Stray in Berlin

Living in Berlin, we get to have visitors from the US quite a lot.

Jonathan Stray by Suzanne Forbes June 19 2016

Jonathan Stray by Suzanne Forbes June 19 2016

Berlin is a great place to visit and people in our community travel a lot for both business and pleasure. Sometimes I get to meet members of our family I hadn’t met before! It’s wonderful.

Amazing art collab night!

Daria and Ian came over to work on stuff.Daria and Ian By Suzanne Forbes June 16 2016 Berlin

Me and Daria are going to have a table at Berlin Graphic Days.

Daria Rhein's artwork on textiles, June 2016

Daria Rhein’s artwork on textiles, June 2016

Just the Friday night, not the whole event, because tabling for a whole weekend is totally out of range for me spoon-wise.

So we are making lots of stuff for our table.

 

 

 

 

Daria Rhein's artwork on textiles, June 2016

Daria Rhein’s artwork on textiles, June 2016

We tried out all kinds of cool printing stuff, like vinyl stickers and fabric transfer printing and temporary tattoo printing.

It all worked pretty well. The stuff you can make yourself with an ordinary printer these days is incredible. I cut up an old tablecloth to see if we could transfer images to it and it totally worked.

I traded Daria an embroidery moth for the original drawing of the breathtaking moth.

I’m going to frame it in a really ornate black frame I have, I just need to get glass cut. We traded tattoo time for two of my hand-sculpted necklaces too- she now has a tentacle and an anatomical Heart of Gold.

Here’s Ian!Ian by Suzanne Forbes June 16 2016

Ian drew the whole time when he wasn’t pitching in on graphic design or Daria’s website.

Ian made this beautiful drawing of me and I grabbed a frame out of my beautiful new workshop cabinets and framed it and hung it up right away!

I don’t have the Instagram because I don’t have a telephone but I can look at things on it!

Drawing of Suzanne Forbes by Ian Bowden June 2016

Drawing of Suzanne Forbes by Ian Bowden June 2016

Ian and Daria graphic design-ified this old drawing of mine for stickers.Suzanne Forbes mantis sticker 2016

I am the happiest I’ve been since I was 19.

My workshop/mixed media studio, finally built!

In honor of National Week of Making, proclaimed by Obama!Workshop_Suzanne_Forbes_artist_2016

I don't love order so much as I hate chaos.

I don’t love order so much as I hate chaos.

tools2

Our apartment came with an enormous kitchen. An enormous, empty kitchen.

kitchenLike most Berlin apartments, it had no sink, stove, fridge, cabinets or counters. Just pipes sticking out of the wall. We bought an initial basic kitchen setup through a very kind gift from D’s grandfather.

I designed the overall kitchen wall, figured out what the minimum to start was, had the IKEA cabinets delivered and built them. Then a handyman named Tyler helped me install them.kitchen plan Suzanne Forbes 2015

That was only the beginning. I had never thought about combining kitchen & office & craft room, but the minute I did I was sold 100%.

So I came up with the idea of making the other big empty wall my workshop/machine room. Here’s the first rough iteration, made in November.workshop rough Suzanne Forbes 2015

Normally, the tools and appliances of an office and workshop look awkward as hell in any (Gothic-Rococo-Victorian Brothel) room I design.

But it happens I like a white kitchen, and our kitchen happens to have incredible lighting.

So it was the perfect place to put things like a printer and my sewing machine, and hopefully eventually a 3D printer and milling machine.

workspace table plan Suzanne Forbes 2015

I was enjoying doing my embroidery at the kitchen table, in the bright, even light, enormously.

So I decided there should be a worktable in the center, where we could eat if we ever wanted to eat in the kitchen instead of in the library while watching Silicon Valley.
island rough Suzanne Forbes 2015

 

 

At New Year’s when we had friends cooking in the kitchen it became clear we needed a good-sized island as well.

islandI agonized over the aspect ratio and measurements before finally going with a simple design that could be both sewing table and food prep surface. The whole thing cost less than 130 euros in the end, but it’s very solid.

It will have nice cute handles like the machine wall eventually, I just ran out of money.

Then I designed the machine wall in detail. workshop plan Suzanne Forbes 2015

There had to be a place for the ladder, and for blank canvas storage, and the, um, annoying amounts of recycling German living generates.

I needed big flat shelves to store drawings and shelves and lots of deep drawers for materials. And of course it had to cost as little as possible. Since food comes slightly before making stuff, I focused on the kitchen part first.

kit2

Kitchen side, not quite finished but getting close!

I found a great handyperson, James, an Australian fellow who has all the tools in the world, and we worked together to build the rest of the kitchen side wall. It came out pretty well! We haven’t had money for a dryer yet, but in time.

There will be cool newsprint curtains over the open shelves- I hate open shelving, no matter how hot it is on Apartment Therapy.

This month we finally had enough cash to buy the cabinets for the machine wall.

tools3Ikea delivered them and then I spent five gruelling days building them. It was a lot of work but saved us easily 300 euros even at cheap Berlin labor rates.

James and Jason, another Ozzie, hung the cabinets and suddenly there it was, my workshop.

 

My organization of mixed media materials is very much inspired by my beloved friend/muse/patron Monique Motil, an artist who manages her studio space as beautifully as she creates.

fabric storageThis Thursday was the shakedown cruise. Daria and Ian came over and we ran all the systems- printing, drawing, ironing decals onto fabric, using every tool in every drawer.
bins

Doll hospital and um, laboratory.

Doll hospital and um, laboratory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

toolsI can honestly say my design worked beautifully.

I opened the second leaf on the table and we all had room to sit and work, and any time we needed something- “Let’s cut the stickers with deckle-edge scissors!” or “Let’s see if we can use the decals to make pendants!” – I could just grab whatever tool or material we needed out of the drawers and cabinets.norden-klapptisch-wei-__0104381_PE251365_S4

 

 

When the left-hand leaf is closed, it’s a perfect setup for me to work alone- the drawers are in the right place for a lefty 🙂

We had the most incredible, exhilarating night collaborating in my new workspace.

I know we worked really hard to get to this life, but I still feel like we’ve been given a miracle beyond imagining.

 

Dear blonde girl in the white pants: imaginary amends letters from the men who sexually assaulted and harassed me as a child.

This morning, I suddenly realized I deserved amends from the men and boys who sexually assaulted me.

photo John Garetti 1977

Age 10, photo by John Garetti, 1977

I decided that if I wanted them to make amends to me, I was going to have to take care of it myself.

So I wrote some letters from some of the strangers who violated me during my childhood.

The people I knew and who knew me, well, that’s up to them, and they haven’t made much progress to date.

Dear blonde girl in the white pants near the Waverly Theater in 1980:

Age 13, photo by J Nebraska Gifford

Age 13, photo by J Nebraska Gifford

I’m sorry I called that phone booth you were walking by. When you picked it up I said “I want to rip those tight white pants off you and fuck you” and you hung up and looked frantically around you. You were young, maybe fourteen or fifteen. Young enough to fall for the “prank” of someone calling a phone booth from another one across the street. Actually, maybe you were only thirteen. Tight pants were in fashion, and I made a lot of those phone calls. I’m so sorry for how unsafe and violated I made you feel in that moment, and in so many moments afterwards.

Dear ten-year-old girl in the Elgin Theater in 1977:

When I silently slid into the seat next to you, you were so engrossed in the movie you didn’t notice a thing. What were you doing alone in the theater watching “The 400 Blows” anyway? You were so pretty, with your blonde hair. I carefully edged my hand towards your lap and grabbed your crotch. You jumped up and screamed at me, but there was no-one in the theater to hear. You ran out into the lobby, shouting. “Fucking pervert son-of-a-bitch!” you called me. I watched you run off up 8th Avenue. I wish I had stayed in that program they put me in back in ’72, for people like me.

Dear blonde hippie chick in the see-through skirt in front of the deli at Abington Square in 1982:

Age 15, on Abington Square

Age 15, on Abington Square, 1982

When me and my friends passed you and your little girlfriend at 2 a.m.- she was even younger than you I think, maybe only fourteen- the streetlight shone right through your skirt. I ran the two steps back and grabbed your crotch, hard. Then I ran back after my friends. You came after me, screaming and shouting. You called me a fucking bastard motherfucking son-of-a-bitch. Your friend looked so afraid.

Then you ran into the deli and I heard you telling them to call the police. Lucky for Past Me, they ignored you. Present Me wishes they had at least acknowledged you. I thought of you over and over that night, as we rambled around the Village. What was I thinking? I had a sister your age. I don’t know why I thought what you were wearing gave me the right to assault you. I often wonder, when I see a girl in a see-through skirt like that in some Coachella video, if someone will hurt her, too. I wonder if you remember that night in the Village.

Dear little girl in the kitchen at Thea’s New Year’s Eve party near Westbeth in the ’70s:

We were alone in the kitchen when the Auld Lang Syne music started to play in the living room. You were looking in the cookie jar. I said hello to you, and you responded not very politely. I could hear shouting from the next room- Thea and Bill, your father, had been dealing a little in those days, and everyone was drinking hard as well. “Give me a New Year’s kiss”, I said, and bent down and grabbed your face. I forced my tongue in your mouth and you pulled away. I was fifty-two, and I just walked into the living room and got another glass of wine. Three years later, during an acid trip in New Mexico, your dead-eyed little face swam up in my memories and I realized what I’d done. I am so, so sorry. You were just a little girl.

Dear Rachel (I think your last name was Ketchum?):

When Cliff and Emerick said they knew this girl who lived in Chelsea who had her father’s apartment all to herself on the weekends, I was so down. Since they started at Stuy in September I didn’t see them as much, and I missed them. I was fifteen that Fall, and I wanted to get laid so bad. I knew a guy in Corona who had Quaaludes, and I went and bought five. Emerick said he had weed and Cliff said he had some speed. When we got to your place on Friday night I couldn’t believe you were only thirteen. You looked so much older, in your purple jumpsuit.

You had bought champagne for the party. They just sold it to you, no questions asked. I got wasted really fast, with the hash we were smoking, the booze and everything. I remember we were out in the neighborhood, and we were doing some tagging. You had spraypaint and markers. We were in the Cuban-Chinese restaurant, and you said you had a headache, you wanted to go home to get some aspirin. “Here, take this”, Cliff said, and he dropped a Quaalude in your water glass.

I got stopped by the police in Washington Square, trying to buy some acid, and you talked the cop out of busting us. You told him that I was your cousin from Queens and this was my first time in the city, and you were just trying to give me a classic New York experience. I couldn’t believe the cop fell for it. He kept looking down your front.

We bought tickets for the midnight show of Rocky Horror at the 8th st. Playhouse- you had been, and Cliff, but not me and Emerick. We had an hour to kill so we went to smoke a bowl in a vestibule across the street. Cliff took his dick out, and then Emerick did too, and so I did too. We all started grabbing your hands and trying to make you jerk us off. You were so wasted, you could barely fight us. You said it was time to go if we wanted to get good seats.

Later that night we were at your place. You had made some kind of food, like chicken salad, and we started to make brownies with some of your father’s weed, but then we were too wasted. Cliff put on The Who- Who’s Next, Baba O’Riley. He did the thing with the record player where the song plays over and over. You said you were tired and went into your bedroom. We all got on the bed with you and started groping you. I could hear the music from the next room-

“Don’t cry Don’t raise your eye
It’s only teenage wasteland-”

and you were telling us to stop touching you. Like that was gonna happen. Obviously Cliff and Emerick expected you were going to have sex with us, but you seemed really surprised. You grabbed your white Princess phone and called someone, told him you were in trouble, you were being attacked. I could hear him through the handset. “What do you want me to do about it?” he said; he sounded about our age.

Cliff tore your jumpsuit trying to get it off you. You were fighting now, as the song started again, and you were weirdly strong. I remembered Cliff saying you were some kind of exercise nut. None of us went to gym or anything, and we were really high. You kicked and struggled and bit us. Cliff was so high he started to pass out. Emerick was still trying to get your clothes off, but he was a pretty small guy. Somehow Cliff slid onto the floor and you bundled Emerick after him and shoved them both out the door and told me to get out. You locked the door and we all passed out.

In the morning the song was still playing. The apartment was so trashed. You made us breakfast, I don’t know why, and then you made us leave. We were all still really high. I hung around the lobby of your building, and when you came downstairs a little later I shot at you with my bb gun as you rushed towards the door. You looked really freaked out. You didn’t notice me, but I followed you as you walked back to the Village. I saw you go into the 99 Cents store on 8th st., and come out with a little package. I saw you open the package of razor blades in a vestibule in Soho and cut your wrist. You stayed there for hours, bleeding, even though it turned really cold. i had to go home because my mom was expecting me for Sunday dinner.

I lost touch with those guys after that, and I don’t know what happened to you. Every time I heard Baba O’RIley, I remembered that night. At first it gave me the creeps, but then it became sort of a romantic thing, like this cool wild night from my teens. After a few decades I forgot about it. Then one night I decided to watch this new TV show. It was called CSI New York. The theme song came on, with blurry New York flashing lights. It was Baba O’Riley. I was sitting in my living room in Flushing, and suddenly it hit me. We tried to gang-rape you. You were thirteen years old, and the only reason we didn’t actually rape you was we were too wasted. You tried to kill yourself the next day. Jesus. I don’t know what I can possibly say, at this moment. I’m just so fucking sorry. I wish I’d never gone into the city with those guys that night. I hope you’re ok. I hope you can listen to Baba O’Riley without being sad. I hope you recovered from what we did to you. I hope you can watch CSI, if you like CSI.